A few raw thoughts on my way to a private family viewing for my mom.
Hi friends,
Today is the last Thursday of the month, so it’s time to send this newsletter. But my mom just died unexpectedly, and Simon and I are on our way to gather with family.
So I won’t share my usual facts, feelings, and action to tackle the climate crisis today. Just a quick note from the heart, that I hope can help some of you when you need it, either for yourselves or to support others in loss.
Things That Have Been Helpful To Hear or Do
I feel so incredibly lucky and loved to have so many friends and family who are here for me. Thank you to my nearest and dearest who have said or done the following. I appreciate the advice from my fellow members of the Dead Parent Club— the worst club to join! It feels strangely beautiful to share the experience of loss with you and to benefit from your wisdom.
“I loved your mom so much.”
“Your mom loved you so much and was so proud of you.”
“She died with her heart full.”
“I’m shocked/sad/devastated/so sorry.”
“You can just be a puddle right now.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry this happened.”
“It’s OK to tell who you want, when you want, how you want. For some people you can wait to tell them until you have some specific plans that affect them.”
“You have an ongoing relationship with a parent who’s died. Choose to focus on the good memories.”
“It’s okay to feel every way at any time, including sometimes feeling nothing.”
“Do something that honors her memory and helps others.”
“Take care of yourself.” [sleep, deep breaths, walks, long baths, regular meals.]
“This is a marathon, not a sprint.”
“There is no right or wrong way to grieve.”
“One thing at a time.”
“Write everything down, both practical things and the stories people tell you about your mom. My memory from when [my loved one] died is so hazy. Grief messes with your sense of time.”
“Get counseling, it helps.”
“Talk with as many people as you can.”
“Don’t worry about [X project/task/deliverable], we will cover for you at work, take the time you need with your family and we will be here when you get back.”
“I’m lighting a candle for your mom.”
“We’re sitting together telling stories about your mom and remembering her. I loved when she [funny/surprising/impressive/silly, specific story or detail about thing she did or loved.]”
“No need to respond.”
“Don’t make it harder than it already is.” (accept help, choose the easiest option)
“The sorrow came in waves, usually when I least expected it. When it came, it was good to put things aside and sit with it when I could.”
“It was helpful to have friends who checked in months later, when it wasn’t top of mind anymore. So I hope to be one of those people for you.”
Friends who, when given the green light/following my lead, can recommend silly/funny books/films/make dumb unrelated jokes and provide welcome moments of distraction
“I remember when your mom…” [so helpful to share the pieces that other people have of her in putting together the mosaic of who she was.]
“Don’t sweat what you do or don’t feel, and don’t worry about when it’s going to feel better. Let yourself grieve and be how you feel and not how you think you are supposed to feel. Be authentic. You do you. And let others take care of you and your family.”
“There are no words. I’m ready to talk whenever you are.”
“Thank you for asking for what you wanted, I am so glad to be here.” [close friends who showed up a few hours after I sent a text: “Terrible news, my mom died unexpectedly yesterday, you are invited over for bad pizza and good whisky and to laugh and cry together, please rsvp and if you want to bring something bring flowers, my mom loved flowers.” ]
“I didn’t know her, but I read the story you sent about your mom, and she sounds like a badass.”
Showing up at our doorstep with lasagna and no expectation to stay or be entertained
Asking for our mailing address [it sounds nice to get cards or something in the mail to look forward to]
Calling on the phone, being ok if I don’t answer, leaving a text or voice mail
xo,
Kim
PS. I’d be honored if you wanted to read about my wonderful mom in this story.
Thank you Kimberley for sharing your loss. I know about the impact of loosing your mum. I feel even more connected now to our mission.
I am so, so sorry to hear.
And - I didn't know your mum, but I have been reading the terrific work of her daughter for a good while now, and if it's an indicator of what a decent and planet-sized-brained person she was, she was incredible indeed.
Thank you for what you do, and I'm sorry this is such a rough time for you. (And I hope you can take exactly as much time as you need, and maybe a bit more time, with no pressure to get back to things over here. We'll all wait - and we *want* to wait, too.)